Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Carnival

there's a carnival
tonight
and I'm sad
'cause I'm the only one
who can't go
so I sit here on my tramp
feeling blue

I sat with my daughter last night in the back yard and listened to her write "sad" poetry about not being able to go to the school carnival.
She knows the drill but has to ask anyway, "Please can't we go-I really wannnnt to."
I explain that "I'd love to be able to say 'You bet, let's go! And while we're at it, let's go out to dinner and after that we'll sign you up for piano, violin and dance lessons, and then spend saturday at Lagoon." She smiles at the thought of this kind of life as I continue: "But right now, we have to be very careful with what money we have..." she interupts me because she's heard it all before with "Yea I know."
We lie there on our blankets and pillows on the tramp listening to the rock and roll breezing over from the school. "It feels sort of like we're on the outside of everything right now, dosn't it?" I ask, "But it won't be that way forever."
"I know." she yawns.

What she can't suppose is how delighted I am to have this moment of introspection and conversation with her. How happy I am to hear her writing and talking about honest feelings and to just lie there together looking up at the trees.
The dog jumps up and the tramp gently bounces us until she lays down by us.

How happy I am to miss the big, bouncy, screaming excitement and noise going on at the school. I'd give a hundred carnivals for a night like this.

Friday, May 15, 2009

My Favorite Sport

For a "mother's day" activity, my daughter brought home a questionnaire that asked me a bunch of questions about my favorite things.
One of the questions was "What's your favorite sport?" I had to leave that one blank-because I didn't think I had a favorite sport. We've tried at various times to get invloved in team sports with our kids, but not one of our children has liked any organized team sport. I'm not sure why this is. I didn't participate in team sports growing up and we don't watch sports of any kind on tv. I had a very short career in track and field in 7th grade and my gym teacher thought I was a good hurdler, until I fell and hurt my wrist. I cried and my teacher wanted me to get up and jump again and yelled at me to do it, before I "lost my nerve"-in front of a whole field of kids.
I wouldn't do it, and never jumped again. I'll admit I was, and still am a wimp.
I really enjoyed running all through college-but walking is more my speed these days, now that my bladder had become leaky and my knees are weak.
As a family, we walk, swim, hike and bike. Although right at the moment about half of our bikes are in various stages of disrepair.
We are just not very sporty. I feel sort of bad about not having a favorite sport.

But today was "Sports Day" for the kids in my class.
Before we gathered everyone up and boarded the buses for "Sports Day", we were cheered by two long lines of children from the other classes at school. They were there to shout "Hurray" and cheer "Go!" to our kids and wave their posters at us. I had to put my sunglasses on so no one would see the tears in my eyes. It was a beautiful moment followed by many others today on the field as we helped our sweet kids cross finish lines, throw balls, and cheer for them in their races. I am still suffering from a cold, on top of hayfever, on top of medication that I think makes me drowsy, but I was uplifted, inspired and energized by being at this event. And I realized that I do have a favorite sport after all. The next time someone asks me what my favorite sport is I'm going to say "Sports Day".

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sick

After a full week of hayfever that finally turned into a full-blown cold I'm home sick today. I had a very busy day full of stuff I had to do today and yesterday I wondered how in the world I was going to do everything. It turns out that I won't be doing anything. Writing this will be the only strenuous activity of the day for me.
I have been crazily keeping myself so busy with work and classes and activities that today my body and mind said-" Okay, Now you will STOP!"

The idea that it is okay to take some time off to "take care" of yourself happens only after you give up the idea that the world can't go on with out you for one day.
I am not going to work today-actually I happen to have the day off, which is lucky I guess.
I will not be going to my"Principles of Effective Instruction" class.
I will be cancelling "Den meeting", not going to a baby shower and not going to any of the other meetings I thought I needed to go to. All this was utterly impossible anyway, but somewhere I thought I could go to one class or meeting late and leave early to get to the next one.
Now, that I'm home sick, I can see this was crazy. Sometimes, busy days are fun and you have to just get it done. But not today.
Today will now consist of the following; A hot bath, drinking fluids, hopefully a long nap and maybe an old movie. It already feels like a vacation-except of course, that I feel crappy.

I really hope I feel better, because I have a really busy day tomarrow!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Grateful

Some days, the only thing that saves me from a sudden fit of insanity and depression is to find something, anything to be grateful for.

Here's my "Gratitude" list for today;

1. For my dog who follows me around all day.
2. A child at school who says "You're my favorite teacher!"
3. Helping a kid hit a ball on a t-ball post and make a homerun.
4. For good friends who insist on paying for dinner.
5. For a quiet house
6. For friends and family who call you (or send you a nice message on facebook) and ask how you're doing and tell you they're "Praying for you."
7. To feel the comfort and peace and feeling "that everything will be okay"-(probably because friends and family are praying for you.)
8. For a husband who I married for love, not money
9. For my children -who I love and adore
10. For springtime and the fact that my hayfever has not been really horrible this year
11. That I don't have to make dinner tonight because I have a Lasagna in the freezer.
12. For finding one hidden piece of chocolate that hasn't been eaten yet.

I'm feeling much better.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Letting go of the need to always be busy

We have had a very busy week and tonight we are winding down and looking forward to a Sunday. I really need a Sunday. I love Sunday because it's a purposeful day of rest for our family. We all look forward to a "day off" to go to church together, pray, have dinner, take naps, read and just have a quiet day. Sometimes, we discuss what's coming up in the week to come, watch a movie together, or take a walk.
After a wicked-busy week of work, school, job hunting, scouts, cleaning, laundry, classes, homework, appointments, field trips, yard work and a whole host of other activities it's so wonderful to take a day and have time for some quiet reflection. It's such a habit for us, that this one day feels crucial and vital to our physical, spiritual and emotional health. I feel put out and put upon if ever our Sunday is intruded upon by any outside event that disrupts our quietude.
All the pressure comes off on Sunday. There's no job that must be hunted, no cleaning that calls me, no shopping that could entice me away from my house full of my family. Only reading, writing, and quietly catching up on the "realignment" of my spirit with the Universe.