Thankful

This is a quick post about what I'm thankful for today-in no particular order.

#1.The wee hours of the morning before anyone else is awake.
#2. The love I feel in my life
#3. The roof over my head
#4. The clothes on my back
#5. The smell of my house
#6. The feeling that no matter what happens I know where I can go for help and peace
#7. Oatmeal with raisins
#8.That now, since we've had our huge trees taken down, I am not freaked out every time the wind blows.
#9. Reading glasses
#10. That it's Saturday and I can go back to bed if I want to

Let Down

I have not been able to write anything for quite some time because I'm busy ironing shirts and making dinner and working part-time and volunteering at the school and helping with homework and listening to people read and doing laundry and being a den-mother, and vacuuming up pet hair and etc
Kari became employed again and started working October 5th. This of course is what we prayed and worked for but it was the end of a sort of sweet and spiritual time for us.
I am going to attempt here to relate some of what was "Fun" about being jobless, in case you or I are ever there again and we can both try to enjoy it all more. Also, maybe this is an exercise for me to try to figure out why I feel so....utterly let down.
Having a job is good if you want to do things like feed your family and keep a" roof over" and stuff like that, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
When does anyone get 6 months off of a job to regroup and have time to think and spend with your family? It was an amazing and meaningful experience for us. It was a time of prayer and Temple Attendance and service to others and finding things to do together that were free-which is why we took a lot of walks, went hiking and also just stayed home a lot. We read, talked and were very much "together". We had a whole summer of comfortable togetherness. In our almost 20 years of marriage we have never had the luxury of an entire six months of time off together. We had alot of time to share our feelings and talk to each other.
We spent more time praying together and reading scriptures. And less time watching T.V. because we were in a humble and searching circumstance and waiting so much on inspiration and direction from the Lord everyday that the Television for the most part was an affront to our senses.
We went through a bare-bones period of simplification. It happened on every level.
Political issues distilled down to the basics of Home, Family, Faith and Freedom.
I was annoyed by whiny and selfish demands for "rights". Only talk to me about the disadvantaged, the disabled, the jobless, homeless, wounded, fatherless or hungry!

We were there needing and asking for strength and guidance and it came almost everyday. For example, I'm sometimes affected by what I consider periodic mild depression and would have thought that this recent state of joblessness would have sent me there pretty quick, but I cannot remember once feeling anything like depression during that whole time. There were serious moments of doubt and worry, but for some reason, they were fleeting and generally we would be led to read some conference talk or scripture that would be like the voice we needed to "hear in the wilderness" and we'd be okay.
I will admit here that now I am struggling with it a little and wonder if it's something like "Post-Traumatic Stress disorder" or something like it.
We had family and friends who were praying for us and I think this is partly why we felt so continually comforted and helped.
We were also very thankful for my part-time job, the little severance pay we had, the generosity of family and friends, the occasional trip to the Bishop's Storehouse, and the unemployment benefits that got us through almost 6 months.

We're Back now to life in the working class. We have an income again. Hurray. I mean it.
But we're also back to the stress of not having enough time. Not enough time together. When do we go to the Temple now? Am I feeling let down because my prayers have not been so constant as they were? Did we breathe a huge sigh of relief and go back to watching too much TV? There were many prayers of gratitude and they will continue, but did my daily prayers of asking for help and direction stop somewhat? Maybe I need to acknowledge my ongoing need for his comfort and direction in my life. I still need it. Even though we have a job. Maybe especially since we do now. There's a lot of stress that goes along with raising a family today.
Help me find meaning and direction in my life everyday. Help me be directed to do Thy will every day. Help me help and serve where thou would have me. Help us find time to sit comfortably and quietly together.
I am deeply thankful for the blessing of Work.

But here are some fun things we did when we didn't "Have Work";

#1.Pray
#2.Exercise
#3.Read (inspirational books and scriptures)
#4.Choose regularly not to worry and have Faith
#5.Go to the Temple (I can not emphasize this enough)
#6.Spend a determined amount of time each day in the job-search and then stop and do something else. (Clean the garage, do some service or volunteer work)
#7.Take a walk
#8. Play games with your family-have a water fight
#9.Get a journal and write down your concerns, inspiration that comes to you, private thoughts
#10.Read together
#11. Turn the TV off.

Actually, that's maybe why I have felt sort of let down lately. Have I been too busy to continue to do the "Fun" things on my list?
It's a good list for me to keep in mind during both times.

River Dream

I had a dream once many years ago that I was riding a big sort of river downstream through big, beautiful canyons and deep amphitheater-type caves, on some little raft I think or maybe I was just "body-surfing". The swells were enormous, and the turns and dips were thrilling, and the rushing dark water was warm. It was a good dream, the feeling was one of adventure and even though some of the canyons presented drops like other-worldly mammoth roller coaster hills, I was not scared.
I was totally relaxed and just enjoying the ride.
I think I've only dreamt this one time-but it comes to my mind every once in awhile.
Like when I feel overwhelmed by my circumstances, anxious about all my responsibilities, worried about the future or obsessing about a problem....that dream has a tendency to just show up in my thoughts. It's amazing what it does for me. I'm almost immediately reminded to take a breath, untighten my grip and relax. The visuals and emotions of that dream seem to be imprinted on my brain in such a way that it's spiritual for me-like a loving message from above telling me to Let Go and Trust Him. All I have to do is think of it and I'm reminded to see my life as I saw this ride on the river.
Riding the river in my dream was inevitable, it carried me in such a strong way that I had no thought of fighting, struggling or attempting to swim upstream...it was a "surrendering" to the power of the extreme current and being completely okay with it. I was more than okay...I was exhilarated and in love with it all. I'm reminded that that is the stuff of life, the way I want to live, not with clenched teeth and white knuckles, but with Faith and Trust and an open heart to be able to really see all the beauty and wonder and thrill of living fully present through winding rivers, giant drops and surging rapids.

Dead

The months leading up to being "laid off" were stressful, anxious and difficult. We feared that it would happen and living that fear was excruciating. We felt it might happen but hoped it wouldn't and sometimes we just wanted to say "Stop waving that gun around already and just shoot us if you're going to!" And then, after making it through the first two rounds of "Lay-Offs" they did. They shot us and we found that the death of the job was sort of peaceful and serene. It just was not the blood and violence that we dreaded at all. We no longer felt the "fear of" because, I guess once you're dead, you just have to say "Gee, I'm dead now, and it's not as bad as I feared." We have been mostly fine just floating here in limbo between the land of the living and the dead until we find our next "living".
We have been generously guided and comforted through this strange land of job-hunting and interviews by spirit-guides and guardian angels both living and dead. Dear ones have come to us from the "land of the living" who have cheered, uplifted, brought generous gifts and offerings of prayers, well-wishes, zucchini's and "Otter Pops" as well as a whole host of other various helpful items and visits. We'll never forget them.

I feel curiously close to my Pioneer ancestors I' ve read about as well as my more recent relations who have passed, as well as my dog who died two years ago. I'm sure at times, they come to me and whisper encouragements, or lick my hand.

On bad days,
when old fears have been entertained by us too much,
or some dumbhead wags an accusing finger our way,
we are brought back from hellish wilderness
by pouring out our souls...
in Prayer.
It is all we need...
to know that we are heard...
and...
Loved.

Envy

I've never been "baby hungry" in my life. Even though I now have a car load of Children, for me there was never any time spent pining away for the day that I'd have a baby.
It was all more a matter of fact that I thought I would probably have a baby one day.
There was a year or more when nothing prevented a baby from happening and I began to think "Gee, maybe we wont have one..." I was not particularly upset by this possibility either.
Once I became pregnant I was very sick, and my first labor and delivery was a trauma. To say that I did not enjoy pregnancy was a gross understatement. Each subsequent pregnancy was an exercise for me in patience, faith and endurance. If it were not for the fact that I had some very deep and spiritual feelings about my yet unborn children I would have not attempted it again. If they had not "made themselves known" to me, I know I would not have the strength to bring them.
I have had friends, over the years, who were so baby hungry I thought they might go crazy.
Some have related deep sadness and longing for babies, only to have to wait years, go through painful procedures and even mourn for the want of a child.
I have been told that when you are working to conceive or adopt, it seems like everywhere you go everybody else is pregnant or has a baby and it's like a constant slap in the face.
I was thinking about this the other day when I was lamenting our joblessness. ( Both my husband's and mine-as we both are trying to find our new places.)
Instead of babies, the people we are surrounded with have jobs.
It seems like all the people we know are having big, fat, healthy BABIES. And we're going through all the painful and humiliating "procedures" we know about to get pregnant.
Interviewing for jobs I imagine, has got to be next in line after a trip to the infertility doctor.

Everybody else's babies are going on fabulous vacations, remodeling their big already perfect houses, have fulfilling, meaningful and stimulating careers, have great health insurance and are "secure".
And here we are...Barren.

That is just how it feels when you focus on what other people have and what you lack. I once heard that "Envy is a hostile form of self pity."
It is quite a test for us to turn from self pity at times and that when we let ourselves go there it takes quite a toll on us. Sometimes it gets so bad I want to scream at those big babies: "Don't you know there's a Recession going on?"
Again and again, we have to work to pull ourselves back and realize that people have what they need.
Trust that God sees us. Trust that He sees what we need and will provide it. As he has in the past.
When we Let go of our perceptions of what others have and we have not, and turn our attention to the gifts, talents, opportunities and blessings we have been given... we can be content.
We can be happy, with our backyard inflatable swimming pool and a whole summer of time spent together.

Goodbye to MJ

My children think it's really "Awesome" that I went to East High School. I think they imagine me as a happy, bouncy-type teenager dancing around sparkling white and red painted halls with someone like "Troy Bolton".
Actually, the East High I went to was old, dark, inside walls painted a gross pinkish-grey, full of steep stairs I was always afraid I'd fall down and tended to be a little stinky....and my big teenage crush was....Michael Jackson.
My sister and I were "closet" dancers only-dancing only in the private of our living room to our faves; Donna Summer, Earth Wind and Fire, Commodores and of course Michael.
I showed my kids the "Thriller" video the other day and I'm not sure they really appreciated it.
"Isn't that the coolest?" I plead.
They see pictures of him on t.v. and the internet today and on their way back to the Disney Channel wonder at me; "Mom, he looks like a girl."

Michael gave me my first groove, back when I didn't know what a groove was and so I forgive him all his later weirdness. I hope if he didn't find peace and recovery from whatever it was he needed to recover from in this life that he's found it at last.
He taught us that "...after the Groove is dead and gone...that Love survives...forever on!"
I hope so.
Thinking about Michael today reminds me that it's been way too long since I've turned up "Rock with You" and danced around my living room.

What to do when you're worried...

I had a conversation with my son yesterday about "what to do when you're worried".
We decided that it's better to talk about your worries and feelings with someone instead of keeping it all inside. Keep all your troubles and worries inside, and it becomes hard to concentrate on school or homework or other tasks at hand. Sometimes, it was acknowledged, kids/people who are too worried tend towards "escape" into video or computer games or even more unhealthy escapes like drinking or drugs.
Do some Moms spend too much time on Facebook for the same reason?
As soon as you can talk about what it is you're worried about, the sooner you can begin to feel some real relief. I'm not talking about a "Status Update"-but a real communication of deep thoughts and feelings.
It's true. Keep it all tightly concealed and you get into trouble. People are meant to share with each other, help each other and be connected.
Share it and you're on the road to peace.
This is easy for most people I think, but we have had to learn it little by little in our family.
I notice that the more difficult experiences we go through in our family, the more we are forced to talk about our feelings. I think we started out thinking we would really rather not talk about stuff.
Out of necessity we have learned how to feel, talk and share, and we are getting better at it.
Letting go of the need to keep it all in feels like a great relief and is a good thing to do when "You're worried."
We also decided that it helps to pray, help other people, get enough rest and exercise and that it's probably okay to save out a little time for some healthy "escapism" and even some video games and facebook.