Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Envy

I've never been "baby hungry" in my life. Even though I now have a car load of Children, for me there was never any time spent pining away for the day that I'd have a baby.
It was all more a matter of fact that I thought I would probably have a baby one day.
There was a year or more when nothing prevented a baby from happening and I began to think "Gee, maybe we wont have one..." I was not particularly upset by this possibility either.
Once I became pregnant I was very sick, and my first labor and delivery was a trauma. To say that I did not enjoy pregnancy was a gross understatement. Each subsequent pregnancy was an exercise for me in patience, faith and endurance. If it were not for the fact that I had some very deep and spiritual feelings about my yet unborn children I would have not attempted it again. If they had not "made themselves known" to me, I know I would not have the strength to bring them.
I have had friends, over the years, who were so baby hungry I thought they might go crazy.
Some have related deep sadness and longing for babies, only to have to wait years, go through painful procedures and even mourn for the want of a child.
I have been told that when you are working to conceive or adopt, it seems like everywhere you go everybody else is pregnant or has a baby and it's like a constant slap in the face.
I was thinking about this the other day when I was lamenting our joblessness. ( Both my husband's and mine-as we both are trying to find our new places.)
Instead of babies, the people we are surrounded with have jobs.
It seems like all the people we know are having big, fat, healthy BABIES. And we're going through all the painful and humiliating "procedures" we know about to get pregnant.
Interviewing for jobs I imagine, has got to be next in line after a trip to the infertility doctor.

Everybody else's babies are going on fabulous vacations, remodeling their big already perfect houses, have fulfilling, meaningful and stimulating careers, have great health insurance and are "secure".
And here we are...Barren.

That is just how it feels when you focus on what other people have and what you lack. I once heard that "Envy is a hostile form of self pity."
It is quite a test for us to turn from self pity at times and that when we let ourselves go there it takes quite a toll on us. Sometimes it gets so bad I want to scream at those big babies: "Don't you know there's a Recession going on?"
Again and again, we have to work to pull ourselves back and realize that people have what they need.
Trust that God sees us. Trust that He sees what we need and will provide it. As he has in the past.
When we Let go of our perceptions of what others have and we have not, and turn our attention to the gifts, talents, opportunities and blessings we have been given... we can be content.
We can be happy, with our backyard inflatable swimming pool and a whole summer of time spent together.