Ring out Wild Bells

We used to live downtown in Salt Lake, by the Capitol. There was always some noise going on there that made you know there was stuff happening. Cars, dogs barking, our neighbors coming home late. We grew so accustomed to the sound of train whistles, we almost didn't notice them after a while. But if you tuned in and paid some attention, it was pleasant and reassuring to hear the purposeful distant sound of activity.
I also really enjoyed the ringing of the Bells. I don't know if the bells were from the Capitol or from some other place, but every once in a while we'd all be treated to a little clanging song from the Bells.
Now we live in an utterly quiet neighborhood. The winter nights are silent and cold. Barking dogs are not tolerated here-and is usually our own, and all our neighbors are in bed by 10:00 p.m.
I like our quiet neighborhood, but I still think about those bells and train whistles sometimes and miss them. Especially in the wee hours of the morning, and on New Years Day. Do they still play those Bells on New Years? Maybe there's a noise ordinance now that keeps them silent.
I hope not.
Maybe that's why I love that kind of strange song in the LDS Hymnal by Tennyson-"Ring Out Wild Bells" and hope that we'll get to sing it in church next week. It's not a well-known song-because it's old and really it only applies to the New Year, so the opportunity to sing it dosn't come up often enough to keep it well-remembered.

Ring out, wild bells,
to the sky,
The flying cloud,
the frosty light.
The year is dying, in the night,
Ring out wild bells and let him die.
Ring out the old;
ring in the new.
Ring happy bells across the snow.
The year is going,
let him go.
Ring out the false;
ring in the true.
Ring in the valiant men and free,
the larger heart,
the kindlier hand.
Ring out the darkness of the land;
Ring in the Christ that is to be.


My Kids like banging pots and pans, and screaming at the stroke of 12:00- to make a little dent in the silence of our street...and that's fun...but I hope that somewhere, someone will be ringing in the New Year with some wild bells.

Thankful

This is a quick post about what I'm thankful for today-in no particular order.

#1.The wee hours of the morning before anyone else is awake.
#2. The love I feel in my life
#3. The roof over my head
#4. The clothes on my back
#5. The smell of my house
#6. The feeling that no matter what happens I know where I can go for help and peace
#7. Oatmeal with raisins
#8.That now, since we've had our huge trees taken down, I am not freaked out every time the wind blows.
#9. Reading glasses
#10. That it's Saturday and I can go back to bed if I want to

Let Down

I have not been able to write anything for quite some time because I'm busy ironing shirts and making dinner and working part-time and volunteering at the school and helping with homework and listening to people read and doing laundry and being a den-mother, and vacuuming up pet hair and etc
Kari became employed again and started working October 5th. This of course is what we prayed and worked for but it was the end of a sort of sweet and spiritual time for us.
I am going to attempt here to relate some of what was "Fun" about being jobless, in case you or I are ever there again and we can both try to enjoy it all more. Also, maybe this is an exercise for me to try to figure out why I feel so....utterly let down.
Having a job is good if you want to do things like feed your family and keep a" roof over" and stuff like that, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
When does anyone get 6 months off of a job to regroup and have time to think and spend with your family? It was an amazing and meaningful experience for us. It was a time of prayer and Temple Attendance and service to others and finding things to do together that were free-which is why we took a lot of walks, went hiking and also just stayed home a lot. We read, talked and were very much "together". We had a whole summer of comfortable togetherness. In our almost 20 years of marriage we have never had the luxury of an entire six months of time off together. We had alot of time to share our feelings and talk to each other.
We spent more time praying together and reading scriptures. And less time watching T.V. because we were in a humble and searching circumstance and waiting so much on inspiration and direction from the Lord everyday that the Television for the most part was an affront to our senses.
We went through a bare-bones period of simplification. It happened on every level.
Political issues distilled down to the basics of Home, Family, Faith and Freedom.
I was annoyed by whiny and selfish demands for "rights". Only talk to me about the disadvantaged, the disabled, the jobless, homeless, wounded, fatherless or hungry!

We were there needing and asking for strength and guidance and it came almost everyday. For example, I'm sometimes affected by what I consider periodic mild depression and would have thought that this recent state of joblessness would have sent me there pretty quick, but I cannot remember once feeling anything like depression during that whole time. There were serious moments of doubt and worry, but for some reason, they were fleeting and generally we would be led to read some conference talk or scripture that would be like the voice we needed to "hear in the wilderness" and we'd be okay.
I will admit here that now I am struggling with it a little and wonder if it's something like "Post-Traumatic Stress disorder" or something like it.
We had family and friends who were praying for us and I think this is partly why we felt so continually comforted and helped.
We were also very thankful for my part-time job, the little severance pay we had, the generosity of family and friends, the occasional trip to the Bishop's Storehouse, and the unemployment benefits that got us through almost 6 months.

We're Back now to life in the working class. We have an income again. Hurray. I mean it.
But we're also back to the stress of not having enough time. Not enough time together. When do we go to the Temple now? Am I feeling let down because my prayers have not been so constant as they were? Did we breathe a huge sigh of relief and go back to watching too much TV? There were many prayers of gratitude and they will continue, but did my daily prayers of asking for help and direction stop somewhat? Maybe I need to acknowledge my ongoing need for his comfort and direction in my life. I still need it. Even though we have a job. Maybe especially since we do now. There's a lot of stress that goes along with raising a family today.
Help me find meaning and direction in my life everyday. Help me be directed to do Thy will every day. Help me help and serve where thou would have me. Help us find time to sit comfortably and quietly together.
I am deeply thankful for the blessing of Work.

But here are some fun things we did when we didn't "Have Work";

#1.Pray
#2.Exercise
#3.Read (inspirational books and scriptures)
#4.Choose regularly not to worry and have Faith
#5.Go to the Temple (I can not emphasize this enough)
#6.Spend a determined amount of time each day in the job-search and then stop and do something else. (Clean the garage, do some service or volunteer work)
#7.Take a walk
#8. Play games with your family-have a water fight
#9.Get a journal and write down your concerns, inspiration that comes to you, private thoughts
#10.Read together
#11. Turn the TV off.

Actually, that's maybe why I have felt sort of let down lately. Have I been too busy to continue to do the "Fun" things on my list?
It's a good list for me to keep in mind during both times.

River Dream

I had a dream once many years ago that I was riding a big sort of river downstream through big, beautiful canyons and deep amphitheater-type caves, on some little raft I think or maybe I was just "body-surfing". The swells were enormous, and the turns and dips were thrilling, and the rushing dark water was warm. It was a good dream, the feeling was one of adventure and even though some of the canyons presented drops like other-worldly mammoth roller coaster hills, I was not scared.
I was totally relaxed and just enjoying the ride.
I think I've only dreamt this one time-but it comes to my mind every once in awhile.
Like when I feel overwhelmed by my circumstances, anxious about all my responsibilities, worried about the future or obsessing about a problem....that dream has a tendency to just show up in my thoughts. It's amazing what it does for me. I'm almost immediately reminded to take a breath, untighten my grip and relax. The visuals and emotions of that dream seem to be imprinted on my brain in such a way that it's spiritual for me-like a loving message from above telling me to Let Go and Trust Him. All I have to do is think of it and I'm reminded to see my life as I saw this ride on the river.
Riding the river in my dream was inevitable, it carried me in such a strong way that I had no thought of fighting, struggling or attempting to swim upstream...it was a "surrendering" to the power of the extreme current and being completely okay with it. I was more than okay...I was exhilarated and in love with it all. I'm reminded that that is the stuff of life, the way I want to live, not with clenched teeth and white knuckles, but with Faith and Trust and an open heart to be able to really see all the beauty and wonder and thrill of living fully present through winding rivers, giant drops and surging rapids.

Dead

The months leading up to being "laid off" were stressful, anxious and difficult. We feared that it would happen and living that fear was excruciating. We felt it might happen but hoped it wouldn't and sometimes we just wanted to say "Stop waving that gun around already and just shoot us if you're going to!" And then, after making it through the first two rounds of "Lay-Offs" they did. They shot us and we found that the death of the job was sort of peaceful and serene. It just was not the blood and violence that we dreaded at all. We no longer felt the "fear of" because, I guess once you're dead, you just have to say "Gee, I'm dead now, and it's not as bad as I feared." We have been mostly fine just floating here in limbo between the land of the living and the dead until we find our next "living".
We have been generously guided and comforted through this strange land of job-hunting and interviews by spirit-guides and guardian angels both living and dead. Dear ones have come to us from the "land of the living" who have cheered, uplifted, brought generous gifts and offerings of prayers, well-wishes, zucchini's and "Otter Pops" as well as a whole host of other various helpful items and visits. We'll never forget them.

I feel curiously close to my Pioneer ancestors I' ve read about as well as my more recent relations who have passed, as well as my dog who died two years ago. I'm sure at times, they come to me and whisper encouragements, or lick my hand.

On bad days,
when old fears have been entertained by us too much,
or some dumbhead wags an accusing finger our way,
we are brought back from hellish wilderness
by pouring out our souls...
in Prayer.
It is all we need...
to know that we are heard...
and...
Loved.

Envy

I've never been "baby hungry" in my life. Even though I now have a car load of Children, for me there was never any time spent pining away for the day that I'd have a baby.
It was all more a matter of fact that I thought I would probably have a baby one day.
There was a year or more when nothing prevented a baby from happening and I began to think "Gee, maybe we wont have one..." I was not particularly upset by this possibility either.
Once I became pregnant I was very sick, and my first labor and delivery was a trauma. To say that I did not enjoy pregnancy was a gross understatement. Each subsequent pregnancy was an exercise for me in patience, faith and endurance. If it were not for the fact that I had some very deep and spiritual feelings about my yet unborn children I would have not attempted it again. If they had not "made themselves known" to me, I know I would not have the strength to bring them.
I have had friends, over the years, who were so baby hungry I thought they might go crazy.
Some have related deep sadness and longing for babies, only to have to wait years, go through painful procedures and even mourn for the want of a child.
I have been told that when you are working to conceive or adopt, it seems like everywhere you go everybody else is pregnant or has a baby and it's like a constant slap in the face.
I was thinking about this the other day when I was lamenting our joblessness. ( Both my husband's and mine-as we both are trying to find our new places.)
Instead of babies, the people we are surrounded with have jobs.
It seems like all the people we know are having big, fat, healthy BABIES. And we're going through all the painful and humiliating "procedures" we know about to get pregnant.
Interviewing for jobs I imagine, has got to be next in line after a trip to the infertility doctor.

Everybody else's babies are going on fabulous vacations, remodeling their big already perfect houses, have fulfilling, meaningful and stimulating careers, have great health insurance and are "secure".
And here we are...Barren.

That is just how it feels when you focus on what other people have and what you lack. I once heard that "Envy is a hostile form of self pity."
It is quite a test for us to turn from self pity at times and that when we let ourselves go there it takes quite a toll on us. Sometimes it gets so bad I want to scream at those big babies: "Don't you know there's a Recession going on?"
Again and again, we have to work to pull ourselves back and realize that people have what they need.
Trust that God sees us. Trust that He sees what we need and will provide it. As he has in the past.
When we Let go of our perceptions of what others have and we have not, and turn our attention to the gifts, talents, opportunities and blessings we have been given... we can be content.
We can be happy, with our backyard inflatable swimming pool and a whole summer of time spent together.

Goodbye to MJ

My children think it's really "Awesome" that I went to East High School. I think they imagine me as a happy, bouncy-type teenager dancing around sparkling white and red painted halls with someone like "Troy Bolton".
Actually, the East High I went to was old, dark, inside walls painted a gross pinkish-grey, full of steep stairs I was always afraid I'd fall down and tended to be a little stinky....and my big teenage crush was....Michael Jackson.
My sister and I were "closet" dancers only-dancing only in the private of our living room to our faves; Donna Summer, Earth Wind and Fire, Commodores and of course Michael.
I showed my kids the "Thriller" video the other day and I'm not sure they really appreciated it.
"Isn't that the coolest?" I plead.
They see pictures of him on t.v. and the internet today and on their way back to the Disney Channel wonder at me; "Mom, he looks like a girl."

Michael gave me my first groove, back when I didn't know what a groove was and so I forgive him all his later weirdness. I hope if he didn't find peace and recovery from whatever it was he needed to recover from in this life that he's found it at last.
He taught us that "...after the Groove is dead and gone...that Love survives...forever on!"
I hope so.
Thinking about Michael today reminds me that it's been way too long since I've turned up "Rock with You" and danced around my living room.

What to do when you're worried...

I had a conversation with my son yesterday about "what to do when you're worried".
We decided that it's better to talk about your worries and feelings with someone instead of keeping it all inside. Keep all your troubles and worries inside, and it becomes hard to concentrate on school or homework or other tasks at hand. Sometimes, it was acknowledged, kids/people who are too worried tend towards "escape" into video or computer games or even more unhealthy escapes like drinking or drugs.
Do some Moms spend too much time on Facebook for the same reason?
As soon as you can talk about what it is you're worried about, the sooner you can begin to feel some real relief. I'm not talking about a "Status Update"-but a real communication of deep thoughts and feelings.
It's true. Keep it all tightly concealed and you get into trouble. People are meant to share with each other, help each other and be connected.
Share it and you're on the road to peace.
This is easy for most people I think, but we have had to learn it little by little in our family.
I notice that the more difficult experiences we go through in our family, the more we are forced to talk about our feelings. I think we started out thinking we would really rather not talk about stuff.
Out of necessity we have learned how to feel, talk and share, and we are getting better at it.
Letting go of the need to keep it all in feels like a great relief and is a good thing to do when "You're worried."
We also decided that it helps to pray, help other people, get enough rest and exercise and that it's probably okay to save out a little time for some healthy "escapism" and even some video games and facebook.

Carnival

there's a carnival
tonight
and I'm sad
'cause I'm the only one
who can't go
so I sit here on my tramp
feeling blue

I sat with my daughter last night in the back yard and listened to her write "sad" poetry about not being able to go to the school carnival.
She knows the drill but has to ask anyway, "Please can't we go-I really wannnnt to."
I explain that "I'd love to be able to say 'You bet, let's go! And while we're at it, let's go out to dinner and after that we'll sign you up for piano, violin and dance lessons, and then spend saturday at Lagoon." She smiles at the thought of this kind of life as I continue: "But right now, we have to be very careful with what money we have..." she interupts me because she's heard it all before with "Yea I know."
We lie there on our blankets and pillows on the tramp listening to the rock and roll breezing over from the school. "It feels sort of like we're on the outside of everything right now, dosn't it?" I ask, "But it won't be that way forever."
"I know." she yawns.

What she can't suppose is how delighted I am to have this moment of introspection and conversation with her. How happy I am to hear her writing and talking about honest feelings and to just lie there together looking up at the trees.
The dog jumps up and the tramp gently bounces us until she lays down by us.

How happy I am to miss the big, bouncy, screaming excitement and noise going on at the school. I'd give a hundred carnivals for a night like this.

My Favorite Sport

For a "mother's day" activity, my daughter brought home a questionnaire that asked me a bunch of questions about my favorite things.
One of the questions was "What's your favorite sport?" I had to leave that one blank-because I didn't think I had a favorite sport. We've tried at various times to get invloved in team sports with our kids, but not one of our children has liked any organized team sport. I'm not sure why this is. I didn't participate in team sports growing up and we don't watch sports of any kind on tv. I had a very short career in track and field in 7th grade and my gym teacher thought I was a good hurdler, until I fell and hurt my wrist. I cried and my teacher wanted me to get up and jump again and yelled at me to do it, before I "lost my nerve"-in front of a whole field of kids.
I wouldn't do it, and never jumped again. I'll admit I was, and still am a wimp.
I really enjoyed running all through college-but walking is more my speed these days, now that my bladder had become leaky and my knees are weak.
As a family, we walk, swim, hike and bike. Although right at the moment about half of our bikes are in various stages of disrepair.
We are just not very sporty. I feel sort of bad about not having a favorite sport.

But today was "Sports Day" for the kids in my class.
Before we gathered everyone up and boarded the buses for "Sports Day", we were cheered by two long lines of children from the other classes at school. They were there to shout "Hurray" and cheer "Go!" to our kids and wave their posters at us. I had to put my sunglasses on so no one would see the tears in my eyes. It was a beautiful moment followed by many others today on the field as we helped our sweet kids cross finish lines, throw balls, and cheer for them in their races. I am still suffering from a cold, on top of hayfever, on top of medication that I think makes me drowsy, but I was uplifted, inspired and energized by being at this event. And I realized that I do have a favorite sport after all. The next time someone asks me what my favorite sport is I'm going to say "Sports Day".

Sick

After a full week of hayfever that finally turned into a full-blown cold I'm home sick today. I had a very busy day full of stuff I had to do today and yesterday I wondered how in the world I was going to do everything. It turns out that I won't be doing anything. Writing this will be the only strenuous activity of the day for me.
I have been crazily keeping myself so busy with work and classes and activities that today my body and mind said-" Okay, Now you will STOP!"

The idea that it is okay to take some time off to "take care" of yourself happens only after you give up the idea that the world can't go on with out you for one day.
I am not going to work today-actually I happen to have the day off, which is lucky I guess.
I will not be going to my"Principles of Effective Instruction" class.
I will be cancelling "Den meeting", not going to a baby shower and not going to any of the other meetings I thought I needed to go to. All this was utterly impossible anyway, but somewhere I thought I could go to one class or meeting late and leave early to get to the next one.
Now, that I'm home sick, I can see this was crazy. Sometimes, busy days are fun and you have to just get it done. But not today.
Today will now consist of the following; A hot bath, drinking fluids, hopefully a long nap and maybe an old movie. It already feels like a vacation-except of course, that I feel crappy.

I really hope I feel better, because I have a really busy day tomarrow!

Grateful

Some days, the only thing that saves me from a sudden fit of insanity and depression is to find something, anything to be grateful for.

Here's my "Gratitude" list for today;

1. For my dog who follows me around all day.
2. A child at school who says "You're my favorite teacher!"
3. Helping a kid hit a ball on a t-ball post and make a homerun.
4. For good friends who insist on paying for dinner.
5. For a quiet house
6. For friends and family who call you (or send you a nice message on facebook) and ask how you're doing and tell you they're "Praying for you."
7. To feel the comfort and peace and feeling "that everything will be okay"-(probably because friends and family are praying for you.)
8. For a husband who I married for love, not money
9. For my children -who I love and adore
10. For springtime and the fact that my hayfever has not been really horrible this year
11. That I don't have to make dinner tonight because I have a Lasagna in the freezer.
12. For finding one hidden piece of chocolate that hasn't been eaten yet.

I'm feeling much better.

Letting go of the need to always be busy

We have had a very busy week and tonight we are winding down and looking forward to a Sunday. I really need a Sunday. I love Sunday because it's a purposeful day of rest for our family. We all look forward to a "day off" to go to church together, pray, have dinner, take naps, read and just have a quiet day. Sometimes, we discuss what's coming up in the week to come, watch a movie together, or take a walk.
After a wicked-busy week of work, school, job hunting, scouts, cleaning, laundry, classes, homework, appointments, field trips, yard work and a whole host of other activities it's so wonderful to take a day and have time for some quiet reflection. It's such a habit for us, that this one day feels crucial and vital to our physical, spiritual and emotional health. I feel put out and put upon if ever our Sunday is intruded upon by any outside event that disrupts our quietude.
All the pressure comes off on Sunday. There's no job that must be hunted, no cleaning that calls me, no shopping that could entice me away from my house full of my family. Only reading, writing, and quietly catching up on the "realignment" of my spirit with the Universe.

Hope and Happy on Masterpiece Theater

In the final episode of "Little Dorrit" Arthur discovers his feelings for Amy and she reveals hers for him. But he bids her "away" because now that he is in debtor's prison, (Not through any fault of his own, but because he put all his money in the Miggles' bank) he must not let her be tainted by any association with him. She will not allow this and pledges that she will come and visit him every day. When his business partner shortly thereafter arrives to tell him that his trip to Russia has been successful and that his invention has made them both a great fortune... I cried. We were all sitting and watching at the table, eating a late dinner, when the tears started.
"Oh my gosh, Mom is crying!" While I sobbed and cried like a baby, I tried to explain that if they'd been watching with me for the past four weeks they'd understand what this meant, but in this house I'm the only fan of Victorian Era Sagas.
I had not read this Dicken's story and although I hoped for the best, and most of the Dickens' I know about have happy endings, you just never know. I'm ashamed to admit that I feared the worst. I imagined too many terrible scenes! It's exhausting really.
In Dickens, as in life, there is a better chance that things will work out for the best than that they will not. Why think that the worst might happen when it's just as likely and much more probable that the best will happen?
Why not hope that the honest and good guy and his "little amy" (who really could care less about money problems-and was just as happy to live with him forever in debtors prison) will find in the end that everything will turn out just fine!

Little Dorrit

I'm in love with the Dickens' series on Masterpiece Theater this month!
I wait all week for Sunday night to see what will happen and how it works out for Little Amy Dorrit, at the same time waiting to see how it all turns out for our family.
The classic Dickens' themes of poverty, affluence, greed, charity, humility, pride, friendship and love are oh so timely for us.
Will Amy's Father, finally released from debtor's prison and able to enjoy his fortune simply go mad because he cannot reconcile his past life with his present?
Will Amy marry Arthur Clennam? Is Mrs. Clennam somehow connected to the Dorrits?
Will someone please push Mrs. Clennam and her wheelchair down those rickety stairs?
It will be exciting to see how it unfolds.

Will it be a happy ending?

There's a fine line between hope and despair. It's more like a thread. You can be feeling pretty confident in your efforts to do everything in your power that you can do, and then "turn the rest over" as well as feel like you've gotten a pretty good hold on a "positive attitude", when suddenly it can all change. I've had a few days where I'm just going along fine and then the bottom drops out so fast that it makes my head swim. Yesterday, my seven year old and I were sitting at the table and he was drawing a bunch of money. He drew all kinds of money in different denominations; .01, .05, .10, .25, 10.00, 100.00, and finally a bigger paper money that looked sort of like this-$100,000,000,000.00-only without the commas in the right places. He has also not learned where to put the cents or dollars signs, but the point was not lost on me that this represented a lot of moola.
Then he drew another picture of a square and put it inside a larger rectangle with little broken lines going down the middle. He said "this is a box". He then asked "Okay Mom, which would you rather do..." pointing to the box, "live in a box in the road?" and then pointing to the money, "Or have all this money?" Well, I'm not as dumb as I seem, so I said "The money." He said "Me too." Then he ran away to play or do something else and left me there looking at my two choices. I wanted to cry. I wanted to take a trip to the land of "despair".
I wanted to wail and whine good and long. But I had to make dinner.
There are times when you just have to choose.
Will you take the road to despair or will you make dinner?
For some reason, yesterday was a constant struggle for me between hope and despair.
Today is much better, and I think it has something to do with my recognizing that I can choose.
I don't always need to take that road-even when things are really bad.
If I can't get to hope or I'm struggling with it-I can pray for help to get there, and it always comes....if I'm patient. Sometimes, you need to just put despair off- make dinner, read, do some math homework, watch a good movie, go to bed and try afresh tomarrow with a new prayer in your heart that hope will be made aware to you.

In the garden

Today I walked out into a corner of the yard that I usually don't go.
I looked through the back fence to watch Miya while she walked to her friend's house. She waved when she got there and as I stepped away from the fence, I looked down and found Raini's retainer, with a chip out of the front.
I guess the dog decided not to eat it, but carried it out here and dropped it in the ivy.
I'll take it in on monday to see if it can be repaired.

God does not care about crooked teeth

The dog ate Raini's retainer today.
I called the orthodontist to see how this will kill me.
It will kill me hard and fast with $230 big ones. I wonder how fast teeth move. Can they wait for our next job or will they move at break-neck speed back to crazy misalignment?
Raini, is not concerned. (Well, other than the fact that mom is pretty freaked out.)
"I don't care at all," she yells at us "in fact I liked my teeth better when they were crooked!"
Kari and I smile.
For several years before she actually got braces, Raini did not want them. She had to be talked into them slowly. Her arguments were so good that we too began to question whether or not she really had to have braces. One of her most convincing ones was the idea that Heavenly Father loved her and did not care at all if her teeth were straight or crooked.
We always thought this was sweet, but talked her into getting braces anyway.
I wonder why we could not "let go" of our obsession for straight teeth.
Because everyone else has straight teeth? Are crooked teeth dangerous?
I think straight teeth are easier to floss and keep clean, but I would be so much richer now if I weren't so obsessed with straightness.
Maybe tomarrow i'll go check through Sadie's poop. (What? Havn't you seen Marley)

"Work things out and get along peacefully-are you insane?"

Remember when we sat everyone down to explain about the lay off? We asked for help and encouraged all the kids to do their chores, homework and to try to get along with each other peacefully. We asked for cooperation and support so that Dad and Mom could think and focus on what it is we need to be doing. We made a list and everyone decided to "Be Happy".
It's not working!
In fact, it seems worse. Arguments, tattle-tales, sticking-out-of -tongues, and frustrated crying about who gets to watch what or play what. One brother grabbed the other by the hair yesterday.
Everyone seems grumpier than usual, and the people in this family are starting to act-STRESSED.
Maybe it's time for a family meeting about our fears and worries and the stress we may be feeling. We all want to be happy and have faith, but we all also need to say what we really think and address our feelings. I think it may be good to address your fears first, before you can lay them aside.
What exactly are our fears associated with the fact that Dad has no income to speak of?
Are we afraid of becoming homeless? being without food? Of not being able to buy shoes? Being judged? We'll have to think about this.
All the kids also have hayfever that seems to have turned into colds, this on the heals of the bad flu or whatever it was we had in March.
The kids are on each others nerves and this drives me crazy.
Are the days of peacefully playing together gone?
Ah-h-h, I remember the years of quietly reading or doing art at the kitchen table.

What to do on Spring Break with no moola

It's spring break. We're not doing anything and we're not going anywhere.
Here's what we're doing while dad works on his resume and mom tries intermittently to study for her math test; clean the kitchen, rake the back yard, climb the fence and play with the cousins, take the dog for a walk, clean up poop in the back yard, play "spore", go ice blocking at the park, jump on the tramp, rake the front yard, fix lunch-leftovers from our Easter dinner-(deviled eggs, funeral potatoes, ham sandwiches) Friends over to play and go roller skating. Put Lima beans and the last of the ham in a crock pot for our dinner, get on facebook, write a blog, wonder how my kitchen is a mess again-but don't do anything about it, sit outside in the sun and enjoy the newly raked yard, (that already looks crappy because of course we have a dog.) Eat dinner, read together and go to bed.
It's been a nice day and we didn't go anywhere, and didn't spend any money.
It can be done.

What we told the kids

We told the kids on sunday about the big "lay off".
After a nice day together, we sat down for dinner and afterwards we felt it was the right time to have a family meeting to talk about this.
We told them about the loss of the job, but assured them that we felt we would be oaky.
That we had money enough to last us a little while if we were very careful. (about 2 or 3 months or 2 or 3 minutes -whichever comes first)
We told them that we had felt comforted as well as confident that things would all work out okay for our family, that we would rely on Heavenly Father to guide and direct us.
We told the kids they didn't need to worry, but that they should continue to join with us for our family prayers and scripture study and that it would help if they would try to work extra hard at getting along peacefully with each other, helping each other and do their chores and homework, so that Mom and Dad could concentrate on what we needed to do. We also reminded them that finding a new job/jobs and figuring out how to take care of the family was our focus and that they just needed to focus on their "jobs".
Then one of the kids suggested that we make a "plan" for some things we could do to help.
We made a list on the giant white board in the kitchen that was very good -full of various ideas presented by all the children.

The List
#1.Trust in the Lord
#2.Keep the commandments
#3.Be happy
#4.Pray and read scriptures together
#5.Fast
#6.Be positive-even in the toughest of times
#7.Have a big garage sale and get rid of some stuff

We like this list. It gave everyone a chance to give suggestions, but reaffimred to all our minds that we will continue to acknowledge our need for the Lord's help and guidance in this and all things. We will Trust in the Lord.

What not to say to someone who has just Lost a job.

When you loose your job, or your spouse looses his job, it is pretty harsh. But that is only the beginning. There are many other annoyances that go along with it, that are just part of the "jobless" territory.
You have to let people know that this has happened. Now is not the time to be private.
You never know who will be a lead for you in finding a new job, so it's important that the fact that you are now looking for a new job gets out as quickly as possible.
The breaking of this news to family and friends is never fun. Do it quickly and tell them "not to worry" and then get off the phone or get outta there as soon as possible or you will have to listen to a lot of other stories of other people they have heard of lately who have also been recently been laid off, subsequently divorced, had medical problems or have died. When you mention this fact to friends or neighbors there is a wide variety of responses.
Some responses include "OH MY____!" "OH NOT THAT!" "Are you kidding me?" " Well I hope you have a years supply of food storage!" Some have demanded "What the _____ are you going to DO NOW?" Some seem stunned to some level-and sort of retreat into a fearful state of distraction. And many others we find, are inclined to offer advice. How ever well intentioned and well-meaning, this is really not the best time to offer advice about what causes "financial ruin" or recite statistics about the "leading cause of divorce" being financial problems.
There are many responses to news of joblessness, but the kind we have really appreciated is just a heartfelt "I'm sorry" or "Hang in there".

We are officially "Laid Off"!

Last Friday my husband was "let go". This is the same, I guess as being "laid off" but not quite like"being fired".
My husband is a really good guy, knowledgeable, optimistic, a good co-worker, is not afraid of staying late or working hard and so, by all accounts, people were sorry to see him go. The company is trying to stay afloat and who knows-if they can make it through these hard times, just maybe they'll be in a position to rehire. We can hope, but we are not going to hold our breathes.
Working for a small start-up company means working for your hope in the future, not getting the big bucks, but believing enough in the value of the product that you can work hard for the payoff down the road. We have been living pretty much from paycheck to paycheck for the past three or four years years as it is, and we have not been able to "stock pile" a mass of savings or food storage. About 6 months ago, after all my children were in school, I took a part time job after being a stay at home mom for the past 17 years because I thought it would be "fun" to have a little extra money and be able finally to put some away in savings. Almost the next month my husband received his first pay cut.
There were several large layoffs, followed by another pay cut and then yet another layoff which included us.
On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest we are at about a 2 on the "Freaked Out" scale.
Perhaps we are in shock, but the full import of this just hasn't hit us yet. I would say that we have felt oddly comforted. And also, it's only been 4 days since the big "lay off".
Maybe we're relieved to finally be where we have feared we would be for so long that it's just finally good to know where we stand. My husband and I are both 46 and 45 and maybe this serves as our mid-life crises. We both agree that while loosing one's job and health insurance is more than a little annoying, it might be the spring-board to move us towards a new adventure.
We are both open to something completely new.
We do have five school-aged children who do continue to rely on us, and will for many more years, so how crazy can we be? We're looking into it.
That's the reason for beginning this blog. More later.

"let Go"

I've been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for the last 17 years and i have really enjoyed it.
Motherhood has deepened my soul, taxed my brain, worn out my body and changed me forever.
This year, after all my children were in school all day i took a part-time job in a special-needs classroom. I have been working with Kids with severe disabilities and they have saved me from focusing too much on my own problems. As the financial stresses grew more and more evident this year for us and for my husbands job, it was a good thing for me to get out of my very quiet house while my kids were at school and go get out of myself and help as a "para" or aide. I've pushed kids in wheelchairs, accompanied two of them, who were my particular charge, to "mainstream" classes. I've tested them, quizzed them on spelling, math and comprehension, learned how to work a "Dynavox" word device for kids with no means of verbal communication,
was trained to "cath" and feed with a "feeding tube" and twice a month I get to teach Art.
We've taken these kids bowling, to the planetarium, farm, ice skating, to the theater, and every thursday we take them swimming. It's been a pleasure and a delight and to get to know them and they have enriched my life.

It's been an amazing experience for me. I now see what goes on in a special needs classroom.
For years I put my own special needs child on the bus and sent her off into the world, praying hard that she would be okay. She was.
I'm now looking into going back to school for a teaching certificate in mild/moderate disabilities.
I'm excited and nervous. But first I have to pass the Math Competency Test.
Did I mention that I'm fairly sure, I myself have some undiagnosed learning disorders? Especially in math.
I've never been tested-I don't think they tested for things like that when I was school-aged.
I'm just saying, the math test is not going to be easy for me.
I don't want to push any more. I want more to be "guided" now.
I am to a point where I am needing to "Let Go" of things that don't work for me anymore.
I will study for my math test and I am open to this direction that I think I might be going-to be a teacher of kids with disabilities. But I am not going to try to "make this happen", because I have no energy any more to "make" anything happen.

Welcome to our blog

We are finally starting this today!
We're Parents of 5 children including a special needs child.
For several years I thought I might like to blog on the wonderful and sometimes heartbreaking "adventures" we've had as parents of a special needs child, and just "parenthood" in general.
I've certainly learned a lot and have gained some insights about what it means to parent creatively and effectively with happiness, humour and love. It feels like I've done it all-potty training, tantrums, preschool, homeschool, public school, math homework, music lessons, sports, and about a zillion other things. I thought it might be fun because I already "journal" quite a bit and writing has always been very therapeutic for me.

I have not been inspired or pushed to the point of blogging until today.
I feel compelled to write about our recent "lay-off" and every philosophical feeling pertaining to it.
I'm a private person, so why do this publicly? I'm not sure, other that I feel the need to reach out to other people who may be going through some similar thing. Sometimes, at our most humble and needy, we connect with what is really important-and maybe this is the right time to blog....

Okay, so that's basically what this is about....more to come.